Oh, the thoughts you have when you’re contemplating another surgery for Endometriosis…and possibly a hysterectomy. Yes, I know it’s not a cure, but it would free me of periods and a cramping uterus. I’ve always said that if I need a third surgery, I’ll opt for a hysterectomy. I’m on the cusp of being 40-years-old…menopause is close enough at this point and my husband and I don’t want children at our age…
Last night was the eve of my transvaginal ultrasound. From my May exam, it was confirmed that I have what is suspected to be an endometrioma on my left ovary. If it’s not a chocolate cyst, it’s a dermoid cyst…which is the same reason why I went in for my first surgery in 2014…and *poof* received my Endometriosis diagnosis. And since June 7th, a new pain has manifested. A brutal pain that has reared it’s ugly head nearly every day since. And spawned me to move my ultrasound up to today. Very soon…at 11:45am, I’ll be in a chair, feet up in the stirrups, and a magic wand shoved up my hoo-haw.
After thoroughly reviewing my pain and food journal, evaluating triggers and identifying patterns, and having a long discussion with my husband…I’m going to pop the question. “What about surgery?” Already. It appears I have a two-year track record for this sort of thing…2014…2016…and now 2018. That means canceling vacations and altering plans. But it’s worth it. The quality of life that excision surgery has granted me twice before has been worth it.
Then, compare my pain charts from August 2016 (right before my 2nd surgery) to June 2018. I was literally flabbergasted at the similarities…
As I verbally vomited all of my thoughts to my husband last night, I flat out stated, “I want someone to tell me what to do. What would you do if you were in my shoes?” He looked at me…and turned it around. “Lisa, if I were an EndoSister and just told you all of this, what would you tell me to do?”
That settled it. In one fell swoop, “I’d tell you to go have a look under the hood…” And immediately I was at peace. A weird sort of peace…the resolved peace where you now have a direction to go, but the absolute upheaval of emotions of what that brings. Along with the doubts, the What Ifs, and the Emotional Rollercoaster…
“What if my surgeon says no?”
“What if they don’t find any Endo?”
“What if it’s progressed deeper into my diaphragm and they can’t see it?”
“Do I ask to keep an ovary? Which one?”
“How bad will recovery be this time?”
“How long will relief last?”
“What if it’s all in my head and I’m making a mountain out of a molehill?”
“If there’s no Endo, what IS causing my pain?”
“Maybe I have Adenomyosis and nobody knows yet.”
“What if I cause more adhesions with surgery?”
“What if it never ends?”
And as any of you fellow bloggers know: writing about this makes me feel a little better. And knowing that my words may reflect what another reader is enduring…and knowing that we’re not in this alone makes each of us stand taller.