Purging my fears

Skull with gears instead of brain

As you know, this blog isn’t just a place for me to research and write about Endometriosis, or to share stories of other EndoWarriors…but it’s also my therapy.

And today I need to just let some stuff off of my chest:

Late yesterday afternoon, I received the final official confirmation that my bowel resection surgery is all approved by my insurance company.  November 26th is 10 days away. And it’s going to happen…

Prior to yesterday’s official proclamation, I was 100% purely excited.  “Get this damn disease out of me,” has been my honest response, followed by, “I’m not scared, I’m in good hands, I’m ready.”

Now? I feel as if I need to crawl into the depths of my nerve-wracked stomach.  I want to pull all the warm darkness around me and just shiver.  I’m scared.  I want to cry.  I want it to be over with.

All of the “What Ifs” come bubbling up.

What if they don’t find anything?  Even though there are photographs of big endo lesions on my small intestines…this is still my biggest What If.

What if we need to reschedule surgery because of (fill in the blank)?

What if they find more Endo and have to take MORE of my guts than originally intended?

What if I need an ileostomy bag?

What if the surgery doesn’t resolve my current pain?

What if my bowels don’t heal right, I leak, and have to go back in?

What if I suffer from future bowel blockages due to scar tissue?

What if I don’t wake up…?

I know in my heart-of-hearts that everything will be okay.  I’m in wonderful surgical hands.  I trust my surgeons completely. They’re incredible.  I’ll receive great care at Scripps Memorial Hospital for a few days until I’m released. My Mum will also be with me while I’m there.  And yet I’m still fucking terrified.

I’m terrified I’ll be perceived as weak in the hospital.  There’s a specific shoulder pain that comes with abdominal surgeries that makes me howl in pain.  It’s a noise I cannot suppress…  And for days after my prior laparoscopies, I am unable to get in and out of bed alone.  I cannot sit up without help.  I can’t use the bathroom without someone to help me get up and down.  I’m sure the nurses know this and are used to it, but I’m still worried I’ll be “that patient.”

And to top it all off?  I may very well be on my period during my surgery…

When friends, co-workers, and family members ask me, “Will this surgery fix you?” – I have to take a breath.  Then I have to tell myself I’m not broken.  THEN I explain (again) that this is an incurable disease.  That I hope it fixes it for a long while.  That I hope this specific surgery removes the source of my current pain.  

One co-worker even said, “I feel so bad for you because you’ve had so many health problems over the past few years.”  I wanted to smack her and yell, “I don’t have health problems.  I have Endometriosis.”  Such a knee-jerk reaction.   But I felt like she never really listened as I explained the illness, what it can do, why it can require so much surgery.   And it just hurt.

But having to explain it over and over again gets exhausting.

I pooped today.  The third time since 6:30 this morning.  And I cannot adequately express the agony of it.  First the right side (where my constant pain is) screamed.  Then the broken glass and barbed wire scooted across my lower abdomen…where it met up with the burning side of my left lower abdomen (which burns every time I have to shit) and finally killed me on the way out with a piercing pain.  Sitting on the toilet at work, trying hard to breathe through it and not cry out while tears escape the eyes…No good. No good at all.

Ten more days of nerves, and wondering, and playing this damn game in my head.  Ten more days of constant pain.  Ten more days of just really wanting it to be over with already.

I AM scared and nervous.  I’m in good hands.  I’m ready.  And I’m excited.

9 days, 18 hours, 59minutes, and 15 seconds to go…

And for some reason, as always, acknowledging and writing out what the heck is upsetting me always does help…at least a little bit.  So, thank you for being here to read this.   

Feel Good Fridays!

Jack Dagger throwing knives sticking out of a pine round
my Jack Dagger throwing knives by Cold Steel

FRIDAY!!!  Already? 

Where has the year gone??

Today’s quote is inspired by the strong Warriors around me, whether physically or through the magic of the internet.  There are so many inspiring people I know who struggle, yet continue to fight.  Who don’t quit.  Who ask for help.  Who push for the medical care they know they deserve.  And who accept what they cannot change.

“I brought a knife to the gunfight. 
I am the knife. 
I am all blade.” 

Clementine von Radics

Keep fightin’.  Whatever it may be you face…never stop.

And have an incredible weekend!   

Love, Lisa

Interstitial Cystitis

Today I’d like to talk about something that a lot of my EndoSisters suffer from: Interstitial Cystitis, also known as IC.

Interstitial what? That’s what I thought the first time I heard of it a few years ago.  Heck, my doctor even suspected I had it (we check every time I go in for surgery, and so far: no tell-tale signs).  I’ve been telling myself for a few years now that I needed to research and write about it…so today I am!

What is it?

Let’s start off with:  it’s been around for quite a while.  The first written description of IC was back in 1836 by Philadelphia surgeon, Joseph Parrish.

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Share Your Story: Mummy

"I would lay on the bathroom floor just to get relief" quote and a toilet with toilet paper

“Mummy” was 29 when she was diagnosed with Endometriosis.  Now 32, she shares her journey with us.  Mummy lives on the island of Antigua, and faces the struggles of limited options when it comes to healthcare.

Mummy’s Journey: I started getting horrible pains when I was around 25 years old and I did not realize what it was because I always took Advil painkillers.  They did help but I realize after my period was finished I was still feeling pain and my legs, I couldn’t walk, and just feel too tired.

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Feel Good Fridays

Yellow devil face

Today’s quote is by one of my EndoSisters who is continuing to battle to get the healthcare that she deserves.  We were talking this week about her sub-standard care by an Endometriosis “expert,” and Celia’s unwavering determination to keep fighting.  And she shared her mantra with me…which I fell in love with.

“Chin up, fangs out!” ~ Celia Pellegrin

So, to ANY of you dealing with ANYTHING that requires your determination, tenacity, persistence, and strength…hold firm!  Keep going.  And, as Celia says: Chin up, Fangs out!!  You’ve got this.

Have an incredible weekend!

Love, Lisa

Blogs I Updated This Week:

Endometriosis & the Appendix – added an Oct. 29, 2018, study from the British Institute of Radiology about a 40-year-old woman who presented with right lower quadrant pain and lower back pain.  Also added a November 3, 2018, study from the International Journal of Surgery Case Reports of a 29-year-old woman who complained of lower right pain, nausea, and vomiting the day after her period started.  Care to guess their diagnoses?

Endometriosis & the Kidneys

A doodle of a human kidney pointing at a diagram of the renal system

In the past, I’ve researched how Endometriosis can affect the renal system, specifically the bladder or ureters, and how that could even cause blockages that cause kidney issues and severe problems.

Today, I’m going to talk about Endometriosis and the actual kidney.

A study published in October of 2018 discussed a 45-year-old woman who had flank pain and blood in her urine.  Imaging studies found a mass on her left kidney.  A surgery was performed to remove the suspected renal mass and a portion of her kidney, and pathology confirmed it was an Endometriosis lesion.  It was removed from her “renal parenchyma,” which is the solid part of the kidney that filters blood and makes urine.

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Feel Good Fridays

 

Where has the week gone?

Happy FRIDAY!

Today’s quote hit me in the gut.  And it’s something I truly strive do it…moreso as I get older.  You begin to value the things that truly matter to you…

“Live your life. Be happy as you can be, let go of the things that don’t matter, and fight.” 
― Kiera Cass, The One

May you do this, and do it well. For you.

Have a beautiful weekend, my friends.

Love, Lisa