It’s Friday. The end of the week. The middle of April! I hope you’re doing well.
Today’s is a lesson in courage…
Yesterday I had my annual ultrasound; it was my first since June 2018…and I had both the transvaginal and the traditional over-the-belly ultrasounds. My first since my two 2018 surgeries. And I was excited.
Both ovaries were found. Exhale a sigh of relief! I’m always worried one will be hiding (usually my right)…and tucked under something via adhesions. The right was visualized and the image captured on still-frame. The tech moved to do the same to the left ovary. She found it, snapped an image, and:
“It seems you have a little cyst action going on,” she says.
“My left one is known for that,” I reply.
She looks a little deeper and longer. Snaps a few images. “Maybe one of those endometriomas…” she pondered.
My heart sank. “During all my past surgeries, it’s always had one on the left ovary.”
Maybe. Maybe not. But…maybe.
I won’t see my doctor until April 22nd to talk about the results of the ultrasound. I know that I need to wait to hear it from him. I know that I am not in any pain. I’ve not had the symptoms of Endometriosis since I healed from my November surgery. I know that I shouldn’t be dwelling on the “maybe.”
But I cried on the drive home. I tried to cheer myself up with a manicure at the mall. It worked until I was alone again in the car. And I cried again. I walked through the front door…and my husband was there. He immediately scooped me into a hug, “What’s wrong?”
I blabbered about the visit through sniffles and that weird grief-voice people sometimes get after long cries. He led me to the couch, shifted our position so I could more readily smoosh into his armpit and shoulder, and he stroked my head and just let me cry and worry.
He reassured me that I will see my doctor on the 22nd. And reiterated that I hadn’t been in any pain. But also agreed with me that just knowing it may be in my body again, this soon, was disheartening.
“I feel like it’s never going to end,” I remember saying.
We watched a bit of TV together on the couch and I then decided to clean the bathroom. We have guests coming this weekend and it’s needed…and I thought the distraction would be helpful. But in the middle of scrubbing the tub, I broke down again. A good ol’ ugly cry.
I wrote about it in my journal. I went to bed still feeling saddened and betrayed by my body.
And I’m sharing it here. Why?
Today is a new day. Life is full of maybes. And I am NOT in any pain. I may have a regular cyst. Or I may have an endometrioma. But as of right now: I don’t have ANY pain. My doc may likely order another ultrasound in a few months to monitor the cyst. Hopefully it’s just a regular cyst and will fade on it’s own.
While getting dressed this morning, I found my old t-shirt from Lauren Siciliano. On the back of it, it reads, “Endometriosis Awareness. Courage, Faith, Strength & Hope.“
Today I need each of those qualities. And wearing the shirt helps.
Maybe you’re going through something similar today…hold onto that courage, faith, strength, and hope that I know you possess. Cling to it, desperately. Don’t let it go.