Can you believe 2021 is half over already? ALREADY!?!
Yesterday I had an ultrasound with the possibility of Endo growth in my cul-de-sac. This technician is so amazeballs she hasn’t been wrong yet with my body, my Endo, and my surgery outcome. I’ll talk to my Doc on Tuesday to go over it, his thoughts, my (lack of) of horrific symptoms, and a plan. I know it will be a lot of “sit, watch, and wait,” but even the possibility of it being back led me to a tail-spin of grief last night.
I made it most of the 40-minute drive home without crying…until The Killers “Everything Will Be Alright” popped on the radio. Then the waterworks started. I vented to some friends and sobbed into my husband’s shoulder when he got home from work. We went out for comfort food for dinner, talked about it, and I’m a lot calmer today than yesterday.
But while digging around the great big Internet this morning for a quote, I was hit in the face with this one:
“Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good.”
― Elizabeth Edwards
Yesterday’s news was not the end of the world. And it’s only just a possibility. And, right now, my pain levels have been ooooh soooo minimal. Everything will be okay.
But it hit me. And it hit hard. And I began to mourn all of the things I may not have because of it. BUT…I wouldn’t be where I am right now in a better frame of mind if it weren’t for the support of friends and loved ones. So, thank you.
And the offer always stands: if you need someone to talk to, I am always here for you. Even if we may be in this same boat together. Last night I needed friends to pull me out of the sea, and it was beautiful. I may need my own help from time to time, but it doesn’t mean I’m not here to help you, too.
How have you been? The year is half-over. Let me know in the comments below. Any victories? Trauma? Need to talk? I’m here.
Today’s quote is to remind us that it’s all freakin’ possible. All of it. Even if it’s just baby steps to get there…keep moving, keep trying, keep fighting.
“Now to think that this tree was a mere seed seed someday seems unthinkable. A seed that could be carried away by the air and thrown anywhere.A seed that had no choice of its own to decide where it would grow had the inherent potential that could grow a forest!” ― Sanchita Pandey, Lessons from My Garden
Endometriosis & Semen: In March 2020, Reproductive Biology published a study comparing peritoneal fluid of patients with and without Endometriosis and how it affected spermatoza. It found that the spermatoza cultured with peritoneal fluid from those with Endometriosis showed negative changes, including decreased movement and altered aminos. Although, the viability of the sperm remained intact. As usual, more studies are needed, but also points toward a potential for infertility causes in patients with Endometriosis.
Endometriosis & the Pancreas: Oooh! A new study has hit my inbox! Finally! In May of 2021, Case Reports in Surgery published an article of a 51-year-old woman who had an enlarged pancreas that also had a cyst on the tail. The cyst was discovered in 2014 and was suspected to be intraductal papillary mucinous neoplasm (cells which may cause pancreatitis or pancreatic cancer). It did not appear to be malignant and was therefore monitored. Later, she presented to the hospital due to epigastric pain, back pain, diarrhea with greasy stools, and anorexia. She had a prior hysterectomy, but denied any symptoms of Endo. Labs were normal. An MRI showed the defect on her pancreas. The pancreas and spleen were surgically removed and she was discharged from the hospital six days later. Pathology found the “cyst” to be consistent with Endometriosis. A year later she denied any recurrent symptoms and imaging studies showed no regrowth of any cysts.
Endometriosis in the Psoas Major Muscle: The September 2021 edition of the Journal of Gynecology Obstetrics and Human Reproduction will be publishing an article of a 25-year-old patient who successfully “treated” their symptoms with hormones (estrogen-progestogens). The study is only an abstract and I cannot access the full article, but it’s worth noting here as it is “the third case of psoas Endometriosis reported.” I’m hoping the entirety of the study becomes available online at a future date.
I’ve had one hellava week. On Tuesday I had two external hemorrhoids cut off and one internal hemorrhoid banded. So, sitting, walking, moving, ANYTHING-ing has been very painful. I’ve had to go to work every day since we’re short-staffed, and I’ve done a lot of standing at my desk. Ha.
But today…today I can actually sit without dying. I’m still in discomfort, but the bulk of the pain is gone. Which is beautiful.
And … bodily functions? Oh god, let’s not even talk about that. I’ll leave it at: OUCH.
But, today is just another day. And it will be over quickly, like they all seem to be. And we will never be able to get today back.
So, make the most of your today. Whatever that means to you. In whatever capacity you can.
The very moment I had to schedule my first surgery for a suspected dermoid cyst, she was by my side…and was there every step of the way for my first surgery. My suspected dermoid ended up being an Endometrioma and I also received my Stage IV Endo diagnosis that day.
She cried in the hospital when the surgeon showed her my op photos, covered in the sticky darkness that is our illness. Misshapen adhesions winding through my body.
She held me as I screamed from pain recovering from the gas left in my body after surgery.
She fetched me a cool washcloth as I vomited from the post-op pain meds.
She’s dealt with my snappy and angry episodes while I am in pain or whacked out on meds.
And she’s been with me every step of the way since. The good days, the bad days, the great days, the sad days. For nearly the past seven years, along this Journey with me.
And she’s helped at every one of our Endo Awareness Walks.
And she worries about me.
But my favorite? She educates SOOOO many people about Endometriosis! And even has some friends and co-workers who have it, so she’s been there for them, too!
So, today’s is for you, Mum.
“All parents set out with expectations, hopes and dreams for their child. When a child is diagnosed with a health problem, these aspirations are altered. While one parent is hoping to see their child graduate from university, another is praying that they can live pain free”
Thank you for being there for me on this bumpy road. And I’m so sorry that you’ve been dragged onto this rollercoaster with me…but am so grateful to have you here, holding my hand, every step of the way.
I love you.
And to all you parents or pseudo-parents out there who support their own chronic illness warriors: Thank you!