Where’d I Go?

As I sobbed through my yoga…. I searched for answers again for the millionth time. I found this site. Read through many stories. Debbie’s hit me as if I was reading my own words! I had endo for 9 years before it was discovered. Through another blog like this I self-diagnosed. It took me begging a dr who said I needed to be treated for being psychosomatic. I had heard that for 9 years! But she did laparoscopic surgery and low and behold I was covered with endo! 30 min procedure turned into 3+ hours! She couldn’t get it all…. this is where the worst decision of my life was introduced to me. Lupron. I felt rushed to make a decision whether to take it…. almost pressured. So I did. First round 3 months worth sucked! My body was getting rid of dollar size pieces of tissue ( she said oh yeah that’s normal) uh ok….. well She said it didn’t work let’s do another one! So another 3 month shot! Why didn’t I listen to myself! I had hot flashes, fatigue, rage ( I mean pure rage!), brain fog, I had bad short term memory loss ( to the point sometimes I had to pull my car over because I forgot where I was going), I had issues with my brain talking to my body ( at the store I couldn’t each and grab what I wanted off the shelf, I’d be yelling at myself in my head to grab it and I couldn’t! Is just break down crying in public) , depression, panic attacks…. I was a. Mess! I’d take the pain of endo any day! so yeah I was an emotional roller coaster. I thought that would all end after I said nope no more! Here we are a few years after and I don’t know who I am…. it’s like being stuck in someone else’s brain!!!!! WHERE DID I GO! I have true mental issues. I am a strong Christian, yet I can’t rid of this. Lupron has wrecked my life! I am on a roller coaster of being good, then questioning my existence. Not in a take my life kind of way! But I just loath myself. At least that’s what my brain is telling me! Like I said it’s like Lupron injected a foreign person or something in my brain! This isn’t me, nor has it ever been. I hope I am not alone in this. I know I sound crazy…. trust me I know. But I had never never had any of this until I injected my body with that stuff. I want who I truly am back. I want to better for my girls and husband. I want to serve a purpose in this world. My life’s been hijacked. Hoping in reading others stories I can find hope! Sorry for the novel! This has been built up for years! I know no one with endo let alone has taken lupron. Prayers this drug doesn’t wreck anyone else!