So last night I started having cramping on my lower left side. I have a colonoscopy scheduled for this Friday so I can’t take any NSAIDs. I also have lower back pain in the same exact spot where my abs hurt. The pain ranged between a 4 to a 6 out of 10. All night long.
I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon just by circumstance with my gynecologist / excision surgeon to discuss an ultrasound from last week. So 2:30 can’t come quick enough. Rather than just update my pain journal, I decided I would draw on my body where the pain is. So some of the marks are from last night and some of the marker marks are from today. I’m absolutely going to pull my pants down in my appointment.
I had a heating pad on all night and it really didn’t do anything.
Today, the pain is in the same area but intensified. It now ranges from a 6 to a 9 out of 10. I decided to go to work thinking I could just pull through, but I was there for half an hour before I realized I needed to go home. I popped two Tylenol before I left, and an hour later, it’s not done a damn thing for the pain.
The pain was so intense while driving home that at one point all I could do was pull over, cry, and scream.
But I’m home now. I have my heating pad on again which I did bring to work but the pain was so intense I couldn’t focus. At least now I’m on my couch in my bathrobe curled into a ball with my heating pad clenched to my abdomen and I’m talking to my phone as it types what I say.
I don’t know what I expect out of today’s appointment. And I really am grateful that this pain is only present one or two days a month while I’m on my period. But I find it ridiculous that all of my pain is on the lower left side and none of it is where my uterus is, so it terrifies me into thinking something is back.
Supposedly the cyst on my left side is shrinking and they do still believe it to be a simple cyst. If that’s the case, explain away my pain. The only thing I have in mind: In the past the endometriosis is super heavy on my left side. So is it back already?
Perhaps today I’ll schedule that long awaited hysterectomy. I don’t want kids at my age. My tubes are already gone. I know it’s not a cure. But if they suspect I have adenomyosis and if I only have pain around my periods maybe it’ll help?
While driving home, after having pulled over to cry and scream because the cramping became too intense, I freaking shouted the words, “I can’t do this anymore.” To nobody. To my steering wheel. To the air. To myself.
Not words of suicidal ideation, but the words of pure desperation that this pain is just too fucking much regardless of the fact that I only get it once every few months if that. I don’t want any more surgeries. I don’t want any more pills. I don’t want any more pain. I shouldn’t have to curl up into a ball clutching my heating pad on the floor at work. Something needs to be done.
But with how bad today is, how bad August was oh, and the fact that I’ve skipped 5 periods this year, something is amiss. I fear I’m going to go in and ask for one more surgery.
August was intense but not as intense as this. I missed a day of work then, too. This! A 9 out of 10, constant, and nothing is helping? Days like today suck.
Maybe it is back. Maybe it isn’t. But I feel like I’m dying today.